©2005 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship

04-17-05

Learning To Love

 

4/17/05 Learning To Love

 

I spent most of one morning this past week

      doing a search through everything I’ve taught

            from 1991 through the present.

 

I started with 1991

      because that was the year I got my first computer,

and as a result

      it is the year when I stopped writing my teaching notes by hand

            and started typing them

                  and then saving them on my hard drive.

 

I got into the search

      because of that question that came up

            at the end of our teaching time last week.

 

The question itself was the result of something I said about halfway through my talk.

 

I said that it is impossible to read the New Testament honestly

      without realizing that our relationships with one another

            are the ultimate tests of the truth and correctness of all doctrinal systems.

 

Our religious world is filled

      with people who are filled

            with no end of Bible knowledge.

 

But if we meet a person

      whose knowledge about God

            has not resulted in better equipping them to show real, practical love to the people who make up their world,

then one thing we know for certain -

      there is something deeply flawed with their doctrinal system.

 

And a question then came up

      about what it means to show love to another person

            and what we should then do

                  if we have someone in our life

                        that we are just really having a difficult time loving.

 

I found it fascinating to observe

      what happened with us

            as soon as that question was asked.

 

All of the sudden

      our attention level dramatically intensified.

 

Some of you who had been mentally drifting in and out of my words for the preceding half hour

      all of the sudden found yourselves

            totally focused on the question,

                  and on my response to it.

 

Now, why did that happen?

 

It happened

      because everyone in this room last week

            identified with the question that had been asked.

 

Everyone of us

      have at least one someone in our lives

            that we find it very difficult to love.

 

That’s putting it tactfully, huh?

 

What we really have

      is at least one someone

            we don’t like at all,

someone who drives us crazy,

      someone who brings out all sorts of strong emotional responses in us.

 

I can remember well

      the first time in my life

            when I was suddenly aware

                  that I affected another person that way -

for some reason,

      or maybe for a lot of reasons

            they really didn’t like me.

 

When I was in Jr. and Sr. high school

      I had two pillars upon which my entire social survival was built.

 

I was nice,

      and I was good at both speech and drama.

 

I could get up in front of a group and talk.

 

I wasn’t an exceptional student.

      Because I matured late physically I was no good at sports.

            I couldn’t do anything musically.

But I was nice - I was friendly,

      and I could speak in front of a group.

 

During those years

      my entire, rather fragile social survival

            rested on those two things.

 

During my sophomore year we studied Shakespear

      and the teacher had us all memorize a section from Julius Caesar

            and present it in front of the class.

 

Then each student in the class

      wrote up an evaluation of each presentation.

 

I memorized my passage,

      and did my presentation

            and eagerly waited to get my stack of 29 evaluation forms.

 

28 of them gave me glowing marks,

      and one of them tore me to shreds.

 

There were no names on the sheets

      so I never did find out who it was,

but when I read that one negative form

      all of the sudden I knew it had nothing to do with what I’d done up front.

 

Whoever wrote it

      said what he said

            not because he didn’t like my presentation

                  but because he didn’t like ME.

 

We all understand what that’s like.

      We all have people in our lives who, for whatever reasons, really don’t seem to like us,

            and we have people that we find it very difficult to like.

 

Sometimes it’s because of things they’ve said or done.

      Sometimes it’s simply because their personality,

            or their value system,

                  or the attitudes,

                        or something else about them just causes us to react.

 

But after that question came up last week

      I did a search through my past 14 years of teaching notes

            convinced that somewhere along the way

                  I surly must have taught on what it really means for us to love one another.

 

And I was amazed to discover

      how skillfully I seem to have avoided some of the issues.

 

Back in 1993

      I did a three week series entitled “How To Love”,

            and after reading through the notes

                  I came away wondering how I could have spoken so many words

                        and said so little.

 

I was not impressed.

 

So, with the hopes that I can do a little bit better with it this time,

      I want to take the rest of our time this morning

            to return to what I shared with you briefly last week in response to that question

                  and present it in a little more organized fashion.

 

And let me start by restating the importance of what we’re going to look at.

 

We are by design relationship creatures.

 

Our need for love,

      and our ability to love

            is at the core of that image of our Creator that He has placed within each of us.

 

When God calls us to love one another

      He does so not as some religious duty He wants us to fulfill in order to please Him,

but rather because, as our designer,

      He knows exactly what it is in our life experience

            that will bring us true fulfillment and satisfaction.

 

He knows what our spirits hunger for.

 

We saw this two weeks ago when we were talking about breaking through the veneer.

 

When Christ was asked about the greatest commandment,

      and in that question asked also what is our greatest need,

(MAT 22:37-40) ...He said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’”

 

I’m not telling us anything we don’t already know in our spirits.

 

We spend huge quantities of our lives

      pretending that more money,

            or more toys,

                  or more power will bring us happiness

when what we really long for

      is a word of affirmation,

            or encouragement,

                  or approval,

                        or forgiveness from the people around us who really matter.

 

Love relationships are not an option,

      they are not a luxury,

            they are the desperate cry of every human heart,

and if we have them

      then we can find the strength to face whatever we must face,

and if we do not have them,

      then nothing else has the power to quiet the turmoil within us.

 

When our Lord took His disciples aside just prior to His crucifixion

      and then said to them,

JOH 13:34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another...”,

            He was revealing to them,

                  and to all of us the only pathway to true fulfillment in life.

 

And He did something else for us as well.

      He also revealed to us

            what it is that He seeks to accomplish in each of our lives.

 

1TI 1:5 But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

 

Would you like a simple

      yet remarkably accurate technique

            for knowing what is really of God in your life and what is not,

for knowing how to recognize His voice,

      and how to recognize all of the false voices and forces that war against His work within you?

 

First, mentally group all of the relationships in your life

      into a series of concentric circles.

 

In the center circle are those relationships

      that our Lord tells us should hold the highest priorities in our lives.

 

If we’re married,

      the first on the list will be our mate.

 

If we have children,

      then they will be in those inner circles as well.

 

Then, in the next circle out

      will be those few people that you know the Lord has entrusted into your care in a special way.

 

There may be only one, or two, or three.

      They may be members of your extended family,

            or they may not.

 

But you know they have been entrusted into your care in a special way.

 

Then, in the next circle out

      will by your sphere of close friendships,

            people with whom you have built significant relationships.

 

This will possibly include some of your work colleagues,

      some of your friends from church,

            possibly your neighbors.

 

And then, from there, will be those with whom you have more casual relationships, and so on.

 

Now, whenever you face any decision in your life,

      ask yourself, “How will this affect my love relationships with those in my life?”

 

Begin with those in the inner circle.

      Then move out.

If we see that the choice we are about to make

      will damage our love relationship with someone in the inner circle,

            then one thing we know for certain - it is not of God.

 

And what if we find ourselves thinking,

      “Yes, but I’m doing it because God is telling me to do it.”

 

Well, then it is extremely likely

      that we have been deceived into confusing

            the voice of religion with the voice of God,

or the voice of our flesh

      with the voice of God,

or the voice of our emotions

      with the voice of God.

 

God does not tell us on one hand

      that our highest calling,

            our greatest commandment

                  is to learn to love those He has entrusted into our care,

and then “lead” us in some direction

      that will damage those love relationships.

 

Religion will do that.

      Ego will do that.

            Frantic attempts to atone for our sins will do that.

                  Lust will do that.

                        Fear will do that.

                              Arrogance will do that.

                                    Pride will do that.

                                          Greed will do that.

But God will not.

 

I remember being in a conversation with a man a number of years ago

      in which he was sharing with me

            this tremendous religious experience he was involved in,

an experience in which he had never felt so close to God,

      so filled with His Spirit.

 

After he shared the glories of this wonderful happening with me in some detail,

      I asked him how this new depth of religious experience was affecting his relationship with his wife.

 

For a minute he just stared at me as if I were brain dead,

      apparently wondering how someone who was suppose to be a Christian leader

            could have failed to grasp the wonder and glory of what was happening in his life.

 

But when he finally realized that I was serious about the question I’d asked him,

      he said that actually the whole thing was causing a lot of tension in his home,

            even damaging his relationships with both his wife and his children.

 

As soon as he said that

      I was convinced that what he was into

            was not really of God.

 

It was just one more of Satan’s slight of hand tricks,

      switching what looks good or what feels good for what really matters.

 

1TI 1:5 But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

 

JOH 13:34 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.

 

1PE 4:8 Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another...

 

1CO 12:31, 13:1,13 And I show you a still more excellent way. If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal...But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

 

So how do we do it?

      How do we love?

 

And especially,

      how do we truly love those people we don’t even like?

 

And to answer that

       I want to take us back to those comments I shared in response to that question last week,

            and expand on them just a bit more.

 

The first huge step forward

      in our understanding how to love

            is for us to recognize that true Biblical love is not what we feel,

                  it is what we choose in the face of what we feel.

 

That is not to say that our love relationships will not deeply impact our emotions,

      because of course they will.

 

The most intense feelings we will ever know,

      both negative and positive,

            will grow out of our love relationships.

 

When we choose to act in love toward another person,

      and especially when we seek to build a deep love relationship with them,

            it is the riskiest business in which we can ever involve ourselves.

 

But it is also the most fulfilling.

 

It is what gives us the deepest sense of purpose in life.

 

Let me put it this way.

 

If we understand how to love those around us,

      and then choose to make that our highest priority in every relationship

            we will know the deepest, richest, most fulfilling life experience we can ever know.

 

And if we choose to attempt to find our deepest fulfillment in life in any other area,

      through our possessions,

            or through gaining control over other people,

                  or through physical pleasures or adrenaline highs,

                        or through achieving popularity or fame,

                              or through any other avenue other than our love relationships

we will, in the end, open ourselves up to disappointment and a deep sense of unfulfillment.

 

So, then, how do we do it?

 

How do we go about loving?

Let me offer it to us in three steps.

 

First, accept loving as the goal.

 

And this first step applies to the whole range of human relationships.

 

It applies to our relationship with our marriage partner,

      to our relationships with our children,

            to our relationships with our fellow Christians,

                  to our relationships with our co-workers.

 

It applies to our relationships with our casual acquaintances,

      and it applies to our relationships with our enemies,

            with those people we don’t even like,

                  and those people who have offended us

                        and even committed evil against us.

 

Which means, of course,

      that there are times when this first step

            will require that we choose to give up our right to revenge,

                  and our right to get even,

                        and our driving desire to conquer and to destroy.

 

It means that we reject bitterness as an acceptable motivation in our lives.

 

It doesn’t mean we deny the pain caused by those who have hurt us.

      It doesn’t mean we don’t grieve the losses that their evil against us has caused.

 

A son or daughter who has been either physically or emotionally abandoned by a parent

      will suffer great loss because of that parent’s actions,

            and will need to grieve the loss of what might have been.

 

But with all true Biblical loving

      we begin with a choice,

            a choice in which we say to ourselves and to our God,

“Lord, I do choose love as my goal in this relationship.”

 

Second, ask God to confirm that choice in your heart.

      Ask Him to give you His heart for the person you have chosen to love,

            and His eyes to see them as He sees them.

 

That does not mean

      that you throw out common sense in your dealings with them.

 

If they have cheated you in the past

      it doesn’t mean you suddenly choose to trust them now.

 

If they have wounded you in the past

      it doesn’t mean you don’t establish those boundaries in your relationship with them now

            that will keep you safe.

 

Our world is filled with many emotionally scared and unhealthy people,

      people who are in no way either safe or trustworthy.

 

And choosing to love those people

      does not mean we fail to exercise wisdom

            in the level at which we trust them

                  or allow them access to our lives.

 

But it does mean we forfeit our desire for revenge,

      and it does mean we ask our God to give us eyes to see them through His eyes.

 

And then, third,

      we make love choices toward them.

 

And what are those love choices?

 

Well, Paul does an excellent job of describing them to us in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.

 

We choose to be patient.

      We choose to be kind to them.

            We choose not to be jealous.

                  We choose not to brag and not to be arrogant.

We choose not to act rudely or inappropriately.

      We choose not to seek our own gain at their expense.

            We choose not to allow them to provoke us.

                  We choose not to take into account their wrongs against us.

We choose to act in righteousness toward them,

      and to seek and rejoice in the truth.

We choose to hope the very best for them.

 

And as I say this

      I’m sure you now realize

            that some of the greatest loving we ever do in our lives

is done when we make those choices

      at those times when our feelings are screaming a very different message at us.

 

Making love choices at those times when our emotions are feeling love is fun stuff,

      but it is also a very minor achievement in life.

 

But our greatest love achievements come at those times

      when what we feel

            is pointing us a very different direction from what we know is righteous,

                  or kind,

                        or gentle,

                              or compassionate,

and yet we go ahead and choose love anyway.

 

That is the pattern given to us by our Lord.

 

He didn’t feel like being nailed to that cross,

      but He cared enough,

            He loved enough

                  to reach out to our deepest need and meet it for us.

 

EPH 4:31-5:2 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.