©2005 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship

05-08-05

Parenting Perspectives

5/8/05 Parenting Perspectives

This is Mother’s Day

and though I am not going to spend our next few minutes together

talking about mothers or mothering exclusively,

I am going to use our time this morning

to share with you some thoughts about parenting in general

that I hope you’ll find of value.

I have no idea whether or not it has always been this way,

but I have come to realize

that, at least in our society today,

and especially within the Christian subculture within our society,

there is nothing in human experience

that has the power to generate more fear,

more feelings of inadequacy,

more guilt,

more sense of failure,

more pain,

or more anger, or frustration, or sense of helplessness than does parenting.

Our grandson, Matty, is now crawling

which opens him up to a whole new world he’s never been able to access before.

And of course, he is not content to just crawl around in the living room or the kitchen,

he much prefers going up the stairs.

It’s far more challenging,

and provides him with a far greater sense of power and accomplishment.

There is a world out there to conquer,

and he is not going to waste any time.

We were talking with Joni a few weeks ago

and she mentioned how stressful these stair-climbing adventures are for her

because Matty clearly has no fear

and no awareness whatsoever of the possibility of personal injury.

If he misses a step

or goes flying backwards down the stairs

he just knows that mom or dad will be there to catch him.

When Joni mentioned her stress over this whole thing

Sandee and I responded by saying, “Oh sweetie, it’s only begun!

That little guy will be generating stress in your life for as long as you live.”

I stopped by to pick up a Jr. High boy for an outing a few days ago

and when I walked in he was sitting there with his nose swollen up to twice it’s normal size

and his upper lip looking like a chunk of raw meat with stitches in it.

He’d been riding his bike at the skateboard park

and went flying head first onto the concrete.

And then, get this!

I was talking with one of his friends about it a few days later,

and his friend said, “I sure wish I could break something.

I’ve never broken anything and I just wish I could so I could see how it feels.”

Ten years from now

that will be our grandson -

either the one being stitched up,

or the one looking for some way to break something

so that he can see how it feels.

Is it any wonder that our children keep us stressed to near terminal levels?

And there’s no end to it, either.

When our offspring finally churn their way through the chaos and confusion of high school

and make it through the frequently traumatic transitional steps into independent adult living,

they then charge into all the turmoil that comes with finding a marriage partner.

And if, after all of that, we have any sanity or financial solvency left

the grandchildren then come on the scene

and we start stressing out all over again.

Now, I realize of course

that this may not seem

like a very encouraging start to a talk for mother’s day,

but if you’ll stay with me

I believe I can offer you both hope and encouragement before we end our time together.

And before I go any farther,

I need to put into words

one of my greatest concerns about a talk like this,

which is my concern that what I say may sound simply like a collection of nice parental platitudes

that have no real practical applications to the world in which we live.

Many years ago now

I made a promise to myself

that has had a deep impact both on what I share with you

and on what I do not.

I determined

that I would never attempt to pass onto you

anything that I have not, at least at some level,

tested and found to be true in my own life.

This, of course, has severely limited the truths I have available for teaching

because I am a slow learner at best.

But I discovered the hard way

many years ago

that whenever I attempt to teach beyond my own life experience

it simply does not ring true to those who listen.

I am met with a sea of polite, blank stares

with people frequently glancing down at their watches

to see how many more minutes they must remain imprisoned.

This need to limit my teaching to my own experience should not have surprised me

because it is exactly what Paul is saying in Romans chapter 12.

ROM 12:6 And since we have gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let each exercise them accordingly: if prophecy, according to the proportion of his faith;

ROM 12:7 if service, in his serving; or he who teaches, in his teaching;

He says that we are to exercise our gifts

“according to the proportion of our faith”.

In other words,

if I haven’t yet tested and trusted some concept in my own life,

whatever I do, I should not try to foist it off on you in the name of teaching.

All of which is to say that

the rather random thoughts I will share with you this morning

are all ones I have indeed tested and found to be true in my own life,

and they are, in fact,

the ones that I place at the top of my list of “The Most Valuable Parenting Truths I’ve Ever Discovered”.

So, with that as introduction,

let me begin with the one at the top of the list,

the one from which all others flow,

the one that, if it is not in place in our lives,

can never be compensated for through any amount of discipline,

or private schooling,

or sports or gymnastics or dance or music programs,

or gifts, or money, or anything else.

In a single statement it is this:

if God has chosen to entrust children into our care,

with the one exception of our relationship to our marriage partner,

those children

must be consciously recognized as the highest calling given to us by our God,

as our greatest opportunity to accomplish true, lasting good in our world,

and as our greatest source of fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

If He has not given us children,

then He will place into our lives

other relationships and other callings that will fulfill those roles,

but what I want us to see here

is that, if He has given us children,

a major part of our life script has already been written for us by God Himself,

and if we don’t see it,

or if we attempt to place our careers,

or our “ministries”,

or our hobbies,

or our pursuit of financial security,

or anything else above our commitment to those children,

we will suffer a life loss of profound proportions.

And to help explain what I’m saying here

I need to return to a concept that I shared with you in brief two weeks ago.

If you were here at that time

you may remember that we talked about learning how to love.

In that talk I offered you a simple

yet remarkably accurate technique

for knowing what is really of God in your life and what is not,

for knowing how to recognize His voice,

and how to recognize all of the false voices and forces that war against His work within you.

I suggested that you begin by mentally grouping all of the relationships in your life

into a series of concentric circles.

In the center circle will be those relationships

that our Lord tells us should hold the highest priorities in our lives.

If we’re married,

the first on the list will be our mate.

If we have children,

and especially if we have children who are still in our home,

then they will be in those inner circles as well.

Then, in the next circle out

will be those few people that we know the Lord has entrusted into our care in a special way.

There may be only one, or two, or three.

They may be members of our extended family,

or they may not.

But we know they have been entrusted into our care in a special way.

Then, in the next circle out

will by our sphere of close friendships,

people with whom we have built significant relationships.

This will possibly include some of our work colleagues,

some of our friends from church,

possibly our neighbors.

And then, from there, will be those with whom we have more casual relationships, and so on.

Now, whenever we face any significant choice or decision

we need to ask ourselves, “How will this affect my love relationships with those in my life?”

Begin with those in the inner circle.

Then move out.

If we see that we are making a choice in favor of someone in an outer circle

that will damage our love relationship with someone in an inner circle,

or will deprive them of the time and emotional energy we owe them,

then one thing we know for certain - the choice we are considering is not of God.

My daughter, Joni, was four years old when this church began.

I have known too many preacher’s kids in my life

who lived out their childhood

watching their fathers sacrificing them on the alters of their “ministries”

and then seen the results in those children’s lives

ever to let the same thing happen to my own daughter.

So, early in our history,

I simply refused to be out of the home

more than one evening a week at the most.

When my daughter was home in the evenings,

especially during the grade school years,

I was determined that I was going to be there too.

There was a record album of Christian children’s songs

that came out during Joni’s grade school years.

I don’t remember the title of the album,

or even most of the songs,

but there was one song on it, sung by a child,

that contained a line I will never forget.

The last line of the song said,

“knowing that my daddy’s home,

God gives me peace.”

When our fellowship began

I began with a conscious choice

that my daughter would never have reason to say

that the church took her daddy away from her.

And I knew I was succeeding

when, in one of her early grade school classes,

the teacher asked the children to share what kind of work their parents did

and Joni didn’t know.

She came home that night

and asked Sandee what kind of work daddy did.

All she knew was that I was daddy,

and that’s all that mattered to her.

Parents, the vast majority of what we accomplish in the lives of our children

is accomplished not by what we attempt to teach them,

or by what we delegate to the church

or to the educational system to teach them,

but solely by what we model for them.

A number of years ago

I had the opportunity to work with a boy in his early adolescence.

His father had been out of his life for many years,

and his mom was concerned about the boy

because, for no apparent reason,

her son was suddenly displaying outbursts of rage on a regular basis.

His outbursts would sometimes even motivate him to punch holes in doors and walls.

I had some knowledge of his family background

and, when his mom mentioned the behavior to me,

I decided to try something.

The boy was just beginning his early adolescent transition from boy into man,

and so I got together with him one afternoon

and told him I wanted share some things with him.

I asked him about his outbursts

and he said that sometimes they just came over him and he didn’t know why.

Then I told him I wanted to explain something to him that might help.

I talked with him about this remarkable transition he was just beginning,

a transition in which, in a very short period of time,

he would figure out for himself what it means to be a man.

Then I told him that there were two major ways

in which his mind would come up with the answer to that question.

The first was through what he saw being modeled in the lives

of those men who would be significant in his life during the next three or four years.

Without his ever consciously realizing it,

he would model himself after them,

using them as a mental blueprint of adult maleness.

But then I told him

that there was a second major influence in his life right now as well

that was having a powerful impact on his understanding of what it means to be a man.

When he first entered this world

he had no idea what it meant to be “male” or “female”,

but during the first few years of his life

highly detailed mental recordings of both of those

were imbedded in his mind,

one through his dad,

and one through his mom.

Unfortunately, during those years when his dad was still in the home,

the man was prone to frequent outbursts of rage.

And now, as this boy began his own transition into manhood,

he automatically brought up that imprinted blueprint of manhood given to him by his father

and began living it out.

And part of that blueprint told him

that “real men” explode.

Then I told him

that, if his father was here right now,

I was certain that he would tell his son

that he was truly sorry for having passed on that image of maleness,

that it was certainly nothing he had ever wanted to pass on to his son,

and that real manhood meant having the strength and the courage

to control those destructive emotions when they came.

A few weeks later I had a phone call from his mom

and she shared with me something that had happened.

An incident had taken place with the boy that, in the past, would have triggered one of his explosions.

But this time, rather than exploding,

she said she could hear him down the hall in his room,

pacing back and forth and muttering to himself over and over,

“OK, I can’t explode, but what can I do? I can’t explode, but what can I do? I can’t explode, but what can I do?...”

He must have figured it out

because he never punched another hole in a door or wall again.

But my point here, I hope is obvious.

Much of what we teach our children

is done not through any word we speak,

or any direct action we take,

but simply through what we model for them through our presence in their lives.

That modeling process requires our being there with them,

and our close personal, daily involvement with them

all the way through their childhood.

And in our society today

such involvement only happens

when we make conscious choices to make it happen.

And we will only make such choices

when we have recognized and accepted the priorities handed to us by our God.

I was in a conversation a few weeks ago with one of the fathers in our fellowship

and he shared with me his discovery of a truth

that I believe will result in a profound positive impact on his children for the rest of their lives.

He said that he had been brought up believing

that it was the parents’ chief responsibility

to teach their children to obey.

Obedience was the goal,

and submission was the proof of success.

But he has now come to believe

that he’s had it all wrong.

His greatest responsibility in parenting

is not to teach his children to obey,

it is to teach them how to love - how to love God,

and how to love the people God places into their lives.

He’s absolutely right,

and there is only one way to teach our children how to love -

by being there,

in their lives,

one day at a time,

and by loving them.

I shared with you a few minutes ago

about some of the choices I made in this area

during the first few years of our fellowship’s existence.

There is no doubt that those choices I made during those early years

dramatically impacted our church.

If you talk with people who were part of our church in those early days

many of them will tell you

that they even viewed me as being rather antisocial.

And it’s certainly true that we did not develop the kind of church programs

that are typical in our culture today.

But all I was doing

was making my daily life choices

on the basis of the relationship priorities

that my God has told me would bring true fulfillment in life.

And now, more than 20 years later,

I can tell you without reservation

that, if I were to do it all over again,

I would do it exactly the same way.

As much as I love you, the people God has given me to pastor,

and as important as you are to me,

none of you will ever be in my innermost circle.

Some of you are in my second circle out,

but for me to have chosen you

or our church program

at the expense of either my wife or my daughter

would have been the worst possible thing I could ever have done for you,

because, in so doing,

I would have publicly modeled for you

a priority system that, if you would have followed it in your own life,

would have worked to your own destruction.

So, the first thing on my list of my greatest parenting discoveries

is the necessity of choosing to place our children where they belong -

at the top of our list of life priorities.

And obviously I have not made it as far as I planned to this morning

so I’ll probably extend this one more week,

but before I close

I just want to say a few more words about this first item on my list.

Many of you here this morning

are right now at a time in your lives

when you are deeply involved in the parenting process.

When I began this morning

I shared with you

that one of my great concerns with what I have done today

is that my words would end up sounding like parenting platitudes

that have no practical place in our daily lives.

And I want to end with my expression of that same concern.

The truth is

that every one of us have been given by our God

both the right and the ability to establish for ourselves

those priorities that will then dictate the course of our lives.

That is, at the deepest level, what this freewill thing is all about.

If we have chosen no real, established priorities,

and simply allow either our emotions

or the circumstances of our lives at any given time

to determine the directions we move,

than even that is in itself a choice we have made.

As a pastor and Bible teacher for most of my life

I have also become a close observer of the patterns I see being played out

in the lives of those around me.

And as I’ve grown older

I have been repeatedly amazed at the way in which

each progressive generation

so often seems to repeat the errors of the ones that preceded it.

I want you to know

that it does not have to be that way in your life.

I know all too well

the natural tendencies we have to parent the way we were parented,

and to live out the same life priorities

that we saw modeled in those who have come before us,

even when we know logically

that what we saw in them

did not bring them fulfillment or satisfaction in life.

But I also know

that at the very center of our God’s communication to us

is His offer first to recreate our hearts in a way that gives us the longing for a whole new approach to life,

and then His communication to us

that shows us how to live in a way that brings true fulfillment.

That is what Paul was saying when he wrote to the Philippians,

PHI 2:12 So then, my beloved, just as you have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your salvation with fear and trembling;

PHI 2:13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

“...it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”

Do you know what that is?

That is the promise of your God

that you are not predetermined

to live out the same mistakes of those who have come before you.

Don’t you like the way David said it?

PSA 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord; And He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. And He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; Many will see and fear, And will trust in the Lord.

Well, I had planned to return to Ephesians next week.

In fact I even have my notes written up.

But I may put that off just long enough

to finish the thoughts I started this morning.