10-04-09 A Family Matter

We come this morning

to what I consider to be

in many respects a more difficult section of Scripture to teach

than any other passage I’ve ever taught publicly.

Our study of 1^st Peter has brought us to the opening verses of the 3^rd chapter,

a chapter that begins with these words,

1PE 3:1 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands...

Several weeks ago,

when I saw this passage looming in our future,

I recognized the necessity of handling this principle correctly,

and the potentially highly destructive consequences of mishandling it

so I decided there was really only one truly safe approach to take with this whole thing.

I went to Sandee,

told her that I needed to teach on wives being submissive to their husbands,

and then said, “So if you’ll just tell me what I should say then I’ll go ahead and say it.”

To my great dismay, she chose not to take me up on my offer.

There are at least three huge reasons

why this particular passage

becomes so volatile in a teaching situation.

First of all, there may be no passage in all of Scripture

that more powerfully violates

some of the most universally held principles of our modern society.

Even the suggestion that there should be or would be

anything that even remotely resembles a “submissive relationship”

on the part of the wife to her husband in a modern American marriage

is viewed as archaic, demeaning, probably illegal,

and utterly hostile to the health and progress of society as a whole.

After fighting a century-long all-out cultural warfare

for gender equality in every aspect of society,

any message that begins with a call to female submission

is about as far out of step with our culture as you can get.

And the fact that last year the Democratic party came very close to selecting a woman

as their party’s candidate for President of the United States

shows how successfully that war has been waged.

And there is a second reason why teaching this passage

is a very risky venture,

a reason that grows directly out of the mishandling of this passage

that has taken place within the religious sub-culture throughout much of the history of the church.

Far too often this passage has been viewed

and then presented as granting males a sort of divine right to rule over females

in much the same way as a master would rule over a slave.

In this twisted distortion

wives have been viewed almost as the possessions of their husbands,

or at best as their servants,

existing to meet the man’s needs

and to provide him with whatever he wants when he wants it.

And with shades of this sort of teaching

being so deeply ingrained in religious history,

whenever we get near passages that talk about wives being submissive to their husbands

it understandably triggers a strong negative reaction

on the part of those who have been exposed to this toxic stupidity.

And the third major reason that makes this passage such a difficult one to teach

is that, tragically, far too many of you

have had direct personal experience with an abusive male/female relationship

and have seen the pain, tragedy, and devastation it has caused.

It may have been physical or sexual abuse

in which the man uses his greater physical strength

to force the woman into submission,

crushing her spirit in the process.

Or it may have been a brutal verbal or economic or social intimidation

that leaves the woman cowering under the man’s abusive will,

never daring to say or do anything that might unleash another attack.

Anyone who has been wounded by such abuse

will understandably have violent emotional responses

to any message that suggests

that this kind of male dominance is an approved part of the Christian message.

And so, before we spend a little time with the passage itself,

looking more closely at what Peter is really saying,

let me first tell you some of the things

that this passage is NOT saying.

It is not saying that men have a divine right to rule over women.

It is not saying that in society as a whole a woman must function under the authority of a man.

It does not say that a woman should not or cannot be the President,

or the Prime Minister,

or the Supreme Monarch,

or the Judge,

or the Governor or Senator or Representative,

or the Principal or the Superintendent,

or the head of the company,

or the foreman,

or the CEO,

or the head of the crew,

or the supervisor.

It certainly is not saying that in God’s design

the male is in some way better, or superior, or more significant, or more highly valued than the female.

The truth is

Paul repeatedly tells us

that in Christ and in the eyes of God

the male/female distinction doesn’t even exist.

GAL 3:26-28 For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

In fact, there are some extremely strong hints

that the male/female distinction that is such a major aspect of our existence in these physical bodies

will not even exist once we leave these bodies.

There was one discussion recorded for us in Luke 20

in which Jesus’ enemies were trying to trick Him or make Him look foolish

by telling him about a woman who was married to seven brothers.

She married one, he died, she then married the second, he died,

and so on until they’d all died.

They then asked Jesus whose wife she would be in the resurrection.

And Jesus’ response is fascinating.

He said, LUK 20:34-36 And Jesus said to them, "The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and the resurrection from the dead, neither marry, nor are given in marriage; for neither can they die anymore, for they are like angels, and are sons of God, being sons of the resurrection.

It will help, here, if I tell you that there are many instances throughout Scripture

in which God uses the word “man” or the word “son”

to refer not just to the males, but to both men and women,

in the same way we would use the word “mankind”.

GEN 1:27 And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

In fact, in Jesus’ comments here in Luke

he talks about "The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage.

In that phrase He’s using the word “son” to refer to both the groom and the bride... “Who gives this woman...”.

And in Jesus’ response here in Luke 20

there is a strong suggestion

that the male/female distinction will simply not even exist in heaven.

In fact, that seems to be why he compares us to angels. Angels are neither male nor female,

no matter what we may do with them in the movies.

Certainly it is true

that here and now,

during the few years we spend on this earth,

each of us are given our own personal stewardship

over whatever things God has chosen to entrust to us while in these bodies.

Typically we see this stewardship as including things like our physical appearance and physical attributes,

and our unique personalities,

and our IQ’s and creative abilities,

and our unique gifts and talents and so forth.

But at an even a more fundamental level

I believe this also includes our being male or female.

Ultimately being male or female

is simply one more aspect of our physical bodies

that we are given stewardship over while we are on this earth.

And then, God reveals to us certain principles that govern how we are to handle being male or female.

But like all the rest of our physical attributes,

they cease to exist or have any significance following our departure from these bodies.

Do you really think there are beauty contests in heaven,

or IQ tests,

or a handful of pretty faces who get to do the evening news

or put on shows for the rest of us?

It’s all just temporary stewardship this side of the grave.

But let me get us back to Peter

and what this passage is not saying.

It is not saying that if a wife is in an abusive situation with her husband

the “Christian” response is for her to quietly or passively submit to the abuse.

And maybe I’d better say a little more about that one before we go on.

Everything our God says to us in Scripture

can only be correctly understood

within the context of the clearly stated basic principles and callings of our life with God through Christ.

At the top of the list here, of course,

is God’s offer to remove our sin debt from us forever

in response to our simple faith in Christ’s death in our place for our sins,

and then closely tied to this is His commitment to us

to place His Spirit within each of us

and then live His life out through us one step, one day at a time.

And then, right next to this

is the great calling He has given to each of His children,

the calling that we grow in our ability to love the people around us.

JOH 13:34-35 "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

I mention this highest calling for the Christian in this context

because a wife’s highest calling in her relationship with her husband

is that she learn what it means to truly love him

and allowing an abusive husband to continue his abuse without attempting to address it

is never ever an act of love.

Abuse is always an act of immorality

and enabling another person in their immorality

is never an act of love,

nor is it even remotely Biblical submission.

To love another person

is to make those choices toward them

that make it easiest for them to build and maintain healthy love relationships,

and allowing a man’s abuse to continue unaddressed

is never an act of love

because it will rob him of everything he needs and truly longs for in his relationship with his wife.

We’ll come back to this again,

but first, having looked at what the passage does not say,

let’s see what the passage does say.

The third chapter of Peter’s letter begins with this:

1PE 3:1-6 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

OK, let’s start with that first sentence,

In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior.

And the first thing I’d point out here

is that this is communication targeted at only one audience.

This is closed-circuit communication

being given only to married women.

It is not some kind of open communication to all females,

calling them into submission to the male world.

And it is certainly not communication given to husbands,

telling them that they have a God-given right to demand submission from their wives.

Peter does have some things to say to the husband,

but this is definitely not it.

What Peter is doing here

is giving the married women within the family of God

very special communication

for a very special purpose.

And he leaves no doubts whatsoever

about the goal, the purpose for which he gives this call to wives.

He spells it right out - so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word...

And if we are ever to correctly understand what Peter is doing here and why

it is essential that we recognize the two most important words in this entire section,

the words so that.

You see, Peter is talking specifically to wives who are married to men

who are fighting God in their lives,

men who are disobedient to the word.

And what he’s doing

is revealing to those wives

a critical insight into the male/female dynamic as it plays out in the marriage relationship.

Peter wants these wives to know

that the only way to lead a man is by example.

He knows that with nearly every married Christian woman throughout history

there will be times in her life

when she will look at her husband

and see him fighting against his God in some crucial area of his life.

To her, the solution to the battle is obvious.

What her husband needs to do is obvious.

And her initial response to his stupidity or stubbornness or ignorance or rebellion

will be to attempt to tell him what he’s doing wrong

and what he should do to correct it.

And certainly there are some rare situations

in which this direct approach will work.

But they are rare indeed

because of a fascinating aspect of the male sin nature.

You see, from the time of that unfortunate incident

concerning Adam and Eve and that forbidden fruit tree,

every male enters this world

feeling insecure in his ability to fulfill his God-given leadership role in the family.

He has no problem striving to become the fastest, or the smartest, or the strongest, or the best

in his career, or his hobbies, or his music, or his hunting or fishing or computers or art or boxing or anything else that fits his talents and interest.

He can straddle a screaming engine at 110 mph

or blow the head off of any animal in existence,

but place a wife and two small children into his hands

and tell him that his highest calling in life

is to create for them a family structure that allows them to become

all that God intended for them to become

and he doesn’t even know where to start.

So he goes back to work,

or plans one more fishing trip,

or plunges into one more hobby that just consumes all of his time.

And it will not surprise you to know

that just as the man enters the world feeling insecure in his ability to pull off this family thing,

the woman enters the world with exactly the same reservation.

Let me put it this way.

The husband looks at himself and says, “I’m not sure I can do this.”,

and the wife looks at the husband and say, “I’m sure you can’t.”

And if those two lies are allowed to play themselves out unchecked

the result is disastrous.

Either the husband will hide behind a demanding, rigid, controlling facade

in which he never dares to enter into honest, open, caring communication with his wife,

and ends up crushing her spirit

as he forces her into submission to his will,

or he will relinquish more and more oversight to his wife

until he lurks on the emotional fringes of the family

and his wife loses all respect for him.

And isn’t it interesting

that when God gives direct communication to husbands and wives

what He says is carefully designed

to reverse the destructive power of those two lies.

To the wife he says, EPH 5:22 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

That doesn’t mean lay down and let him crush you,

that means stop telling him he’s failing

and start telling him you know he’ll succeed.

Trust God to work through him.

And to the husband He says,

EPH 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her;

Make her your highest priority in life

and find out daily

what it means to show her love in ways she can hear and receive.

I’ve been married for 33 years now,

and yet nearly every day of my life

I begin by asking my Lord to show me this day

what it means for me to love Sandee.

OK, now let me get us back to this passage in 1^st Peter.

You see, what Peter is doing here

is telling wives that, because of the basic male insecurity when it comes to his role in the home,

when the man is messing up

the direct approach simply will not work.

Rather than hearing and responding to the wife’s insight

and recognizing it as wise and loving counsel,

the husband will usually become more resistant,

and more determined to just keep doing whatever he’s doing.

And Peter wants the wives to know

that most of the time

the only thing that will bring about real change in the husband

is when the husband sees in his wife

her recognition of her need for his oversight in her life,

her respect for him,

and her willingness to trust God’s work through him in her life.

Nothing in all the world has a more powerful affect on a man

than the discovery that his wife believes in him -

in the face of all she knows

about all of his weaknesses and blind spots and failures,

that she still believes in him and trusts him.

Peter is not giving some sort of sure and certain promise from God

that the man will come to his senses

and submit to God’s leadership if she takes his council,

and he’s certainly not suggesting

that the wife should simply passively submit to openly abusive situations.

But he is revealing to the wife

a powerful insight into the male temperament,

an insight that will make her far more effective

in promoting growth and healing in her husband.

And as long as we’ve waded into the submission thing

before we close for the morning

I should probably complete the picture.

As I emphasized at some length when we began,

God never issues anything even remotely like a blanket requirement

that women are to exist in submission to males in every situation in life.

Having said that,

there are two limited situations

in which he does call the woman to a submissive response to the male.

The first is the one we’ve just looked at here in Peter,

and the second is in prophetic speaking in the public church meeting.

Paul talks about this twice in his writings,

once in his 1^st letter to Timothy 2:12 where,

speaking about the public teaching service he says, But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet...,

and then again in 1^st Corinthians 14:34-38 where Paul says,

1CO 14:34 Let the women keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but let them subject themselves, just as the Law also says.

And here again we need to remember

that Paul is speaking about a very specific situation - the use of the prophetic gift in the public church gathering in the 1^st Century.

And I’ll share with you both why he said this

and also what I believe this principle meant.

In 1^st Timothy 2:14 Paul tells us

that this particular restriction existed within the early Church

as one additional piece of fallout

from those events that took place in the Garden of Eden.

What he says is, 1TI 2:14 And it was not Adam who was deceived, but the woman being quite deceived, fell into transgression.

Among those of us who know the truth,

it goes without saying that the one most devastating event for the human race in all of history

was the entrance of sin into the world - man’s refusal to trust the voice of God.

All of the suffering of the human race

can be traced back to that one event.

And it appears as though God placed this restriction on the public worship service in the early church

as a reminder of the significance of that event on all of us.

And as I have wrestled with what this means

I’ll tell you where I’ve ended up.

During the first few decades of the Church’s existence

God was accomplishing a truly remarkable work on the earth.

He was literally bringing into being

the physical Body of Christ on this earth,

a living expression of Christ Himself

in which He lives within each of His people,

equips each of us with His mind, His Spirit, and His gifts,

and then accomplishes His work through us here and now.

During the early years of the Church’s existence

God’s Spirit supernaturally equipped some of His people

with two special spiritual gifts- the apostolic gift and the prophetic gift,

that He then used to bring the Church into existence.

Paul talks about these two gifts in Ephesians 2:20

where he talks about the Church having been built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the corner stone...

The Apostles were used by God to reveal to the world what the Church is and how it operates

and several of them then took that truth and put it into written form which we now have preserved as the New Testament.

The Prophets in the early church

served the role of the New Testament

before the New Testament existed.

They literally spoke the words of God in the local assemblies

before the Spirit of God was able to bring the written documents into existence.

Once those documents were written,

the role of the prophet was no longer needed.

That’s why Paul says the church was built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets.

Then, once the foundation was laid,

the Spirit continued to equip God’s people for the roles of evangelists, pastors, and teachers,

gifts that are still active today.

And as I understand Paul’s words about the women speaking in the early church,

I believe he was telling them

that during those early years

women were not permitted to exercise that prophetic gift in the local assembly.

Both the apostolic and prophetic gifts in the early church

were given exclusively to men.

And how does it apply to us today?

Well, now that we have the written New Testament

and the roles of the apostle and prophet as we see it in the early Church are no longer active,

it has no exact application.

However, the principle of male oversight in the local church

seems to be an ongoing principle of life within the family of God

because Paul’s instructions to both Timothy and Titus

indicate that only qualified men are to be appointed as Elders.

OK, we’ve got some more work to do with this section of Peter,

but we’ll leave that until next week.