10-11-09 A Family Matter Pt. 2

1PE 3:1-6 In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.

Last week we began our study of the 3^rd chapter of 1^st Peter,

and with that study

entered into a what I told you at the time

was among the most difficult passages in the New Testament

for us to correctly hear and understand.

It’s difficult not because it’s intricate or confusing,

but because both our culture

and much of our religious heritage

has clouded our understanding of male/female relationships,

and also because so many women have suffered so much

from the dominance of insecure males

who have used abusive relationships with females

to attempt to bolster their weak self-concepts.

And in our culture today

the more women attempt to counter this situation

through seeking and asserting dominance over males,

the more the males feel increasingly insecure,

causing many of them to become even more abusive.

We spent a lot of time last week

looking at what Peter is not saying

when he calls a wife to a submissive approach

with a husband who is fighting against God,

and then we finished up by looking at what he is saying and why.

But we ran out of time before we could finish with the rest of his closed-circuit comments to wives

and before we could look at the comments he then directs to husbands.

So, let’s pick up where we left off.

After encouraging the wives to seek to bring about growth in their husbands

by offering them the example of their own lives,

he then offers one other word of guidance to the women.

He says, And let not your adornment be merely external-- braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

And obviously here again

Peter is touching on another one of those major differences

between the males and females.

Females tend to be far more conscious of their physical appearance

and far more concerned about it.

And as a rather brain-dead male observer to the female world

I must admit that this whole thing still just amazes me at times.

I can recall several times when I have been with my daughter in some public place

when some other woman would come up to her,

some woman she’d never met,

and she would ask Joni where she got her hair cut and tell her how cute it was.

Never in my entire life

have I ever even noticed another man’s haircut,

(unless he’s got some big chunks missing,)

and the last thing on my list of things I want to know

is where any other man gets his hair cut.

A few weeks ago

I was driving into town

and just as I was making the turn at the bridge

I glanced over at the driver in the car to my right.

To my amazement

there was a lady in the car

and she had the sun visor pulled down so that she could see the mirror as she drove.

With one hand she was driving and at the same time holding this thing of eye make-up,

and with the other hand she had some sort of little brush

and she was frantically attempting to apply this stuff to her left eye

while at the same time avoiding a collision with me on one side or the bridge on the other.

To say that men’s minds and women’s minds

operate differently in these matters

doesn’t even begin to touch the truth.

If Sandee didn’t step in occasionally and give some urgently needed oversight

I think there’s a good possibility I’d still be wearing my double knit slacks I bought in the early 70's.

And let me point out first of all

that Peter is in no way criticizing women

for their heightened concern about their physical appearance.

He is certainly not telling the women

that they shouldn’t be concerned about the way they look.

But he is telling them

that there is something far more important than what’s on the outside -

that there is a kind of beauty that is accessible to every woman,

a beauty that has the power to impact your life for good

far more powerfully than what’s happening on the outside.

...let ... your adornment be ...the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.

Do you know what I think he’s saying, women?

I think he’s saying the true measure of your life

is not found in whether you turn heads

but rather in whether you change hearts.

There is a kind of beauty that will draw people’s eyes to you,

and that’s never wrong

so long as it is done with taste and modesty,

but there is another kind of beauty

that comes from within,

a beauty that comes from a heart of compassion,

and kindness,

and gentleness,

and love.

It is a beauty that is accessible to every woman,

no matter what age,

or what cultural standards of beauty may in vogue at any given time,

a beauty that will draw people to you

and give you healing power in their lives

in a way that no external appearance could ever do.

A few months ago our 5 year old grandson

asked his mommy, “Will I ever be as big as Gammy?”

Joni replied, “Well, Matty, someday you’ll even be as big as Daddy, or as big as Pa.”

Then Matty said, “Yes, I know, but will I ever be as big Gammy?”

In a child’s eyes

size has very little to do with height or weight,

it has everything to do

with how big an impact a person makes in their life,

and for Matty there simply was no one bigger in the whole world than his Gammy.

And, you know, this is at the very heart of what Peter is trying to say to the women he’s writing to

because when it comes right down to it

the same principle applies to all of us at any age.

Who are the really big people in your life,

the ones whose impact and importance and true stature

has nothing to do with height or weight?

Who do you one day hope to be as big as?

Who is the most beautiful person in your life,

someone whose beauty you would one day hope to achieve?

It has nothing to do with what’s on the outside, does it?

In fact, here is the truly amazing thing,

something that I’ve never recognized so deeply

as I have in a very personal way in recent years.

When we have seen the inner beauty of another person

it powerfully affects the way we see them physically as well.

When they are beautiful to us on the inside

they become just as beautiful to us on the outside

because their physical appearance

simply brings to mind the impact they have had on our life.

And this applies not just to women,

but to all of us.

I’m objective enough about this aging process

to know that I’ve hit that time in life

when I’m going through what we might call significant external deterioration.

Just a few weeks ago

I had a friend of mine point out, “You’re looking a lot older, Larry.”

Now, at 62 I certainly do not yet view myself as OLD,

but at the same time

I do recognize that my earthly dwelling is significantly past its prime.

But I have also become aware recently

that there are a few people in my life

who, when they look at me now really like what they see

because what they see reminds them of the relationship we share.

When Peter writes these words to his sisters in Christ

what he wants to do

is to reveal to them a kind of inner beauty

that will more dramatically impact the way people see them

than anything they could ever do with their physical appearance.

And he adds an interesting phrase in this passage

to describe God’s response

to those who make their primary focus

the hidden person of the heart.

He tells us that who they become is precious in the sight of God.

And you didn’t even think He noticed you, did you.

And you certainly didn’t allow yourself to think

that He would call you precious.

And yet He does

because you are indeed precious in His sight,

highly valued,

deeply treasured,

something...someone who holds immeasurable wealth to Him.

From there Peter points back for example

to some of the women in Jewish history

who adorned themselves with their inner beauty.

Interesting, isn’t it,

how skillfully Peter addresses

what are certainly two of the most frequent concerns

of women throughout history.

How can I achieve real beauty?

And how can I help bring real change in the life of my husband?

And with both of these

he then shares insights

that can dramatically change things for the better in a woman’s life.

And then Peter moves on to the husband.

And to the husbands he says,

1PE 3:7 You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

And here, as with his comments to the wife,

we need to begin by getting rid of the lies,

and the misconceptions,

and the incorrect assumptions.

And let’s begin with the big one in this verse,

with Peter’s description of the wife as “a weaker vessel”.

And husbands, let me just go ahead and state openly

what every married man has known from the very beginning.

Peter obviously doesn’t mean

that husbands are smarter than their wives,

or that we are more creative,

or that we are more insightful,

or that we are able to handle more emotional pain,

or that we can handle more physical pain,

or that we are more psychologically stable or healthy,

or that by being male we are therefore in some way more qualified for life.

In fact...

in fact when we are honest,

most of us have discovered

that our wives exceed us in most if not all of those areas,

and many others as well.

Years ago I heard a radio broadcast

in which a medical doctor was describing the difference

in the development of the male and female brain in the womb.

And he said that with the male

there is a point in the developmental process

in which the oxygen supply to the developing brain is shut off for a period of time,

causing the retarding of the brain development in certain areas

and causing the brain to then operate differently after birth.

Which means, of course,

that the scientific research confirms

what all women have known since the Garden of Eden,

that it is the male of the species who is brain-dead in certain areas.

To correctly understand what Peter is saying

we need to keep in mind who’s writing to us.

This is Peter,

the ultimate expression of what-you-see-is-what-you-get.

This is not some university professor

who is trying to make lofty and obscure psychological observations

about the differences between male and female.

This is Peter, the man we all know,

the man who was in every way the absolute opposite of obscure.

I must say I find it fascinating

to see the way in which we males

have worked so hard at redefining strength and weakness

so that we can hide from so many of the things

that are hardest for us as males.

Look what we’ve done -

we’ve actually convinced ourselves

that having the freedom and the courage to express emotions is a sign of weakness.

We tell ourselves that the woman is the “weaker”

because she is typically more free to express her emotions openly.

And we’ve even carried this stupidity to the point that

if our developing son begins to express sadness, or fear, or emotional or psychological pain,

and especially if he dares to cry

we’ll respond by saying,

“Suck it up, son!! BE A MAN!!!!”

And if we keep on him enough

we’ll force him into the same lie that imprisons most adult males,

the lie that being strong means sealing off the emotions

so that we feel nothing and never ever let anything touch us deeply.

I am a rock, I am an Island...and a rock feels no pain, and an Island never cries.

Typically there are only two acceptable areas of emotional expression open to males in our culture -

anger and laughter.

But if you get near the two biggies - love and sadness or emotional pain -

most men in our culture simply shut down or run in terror

because we don’t even dare let ourselves feel them deeply

or know how to express them openly.

Look what we’ve done as a culture.

We’ve created an emotional prison

in which rarely do men have the freedom to say, “I love you so very much!”,

even to the most important people in their lives.

And sometimes fighting our way out of that prison

is the most courageous and terrifying thing a man will do.

But my point here

is simply to point out

that our attempt to declare our wives as “weak”

because they have greater freedom to express their emotions

is just plain stupid.

Strength is not the absence of emotions,

and it certainly isn’t the ability to cram them down inside and seal them off.

True strength is the freedom and courage to feel all things deeply,

and then the ability to make the correct life choices

within the context of those feelings.

OK, so then what does Peter mean

when he says the woman is the “weaker vessel”.

He means exactly what he says -

as a general rule we men are physically stronger than our wives.

Our “vessel” is stronger than their “vessel”.

And his purpose here

is to tell the men

that God did not give men greater physical strength

so that they could then use that strength to force their wives into subjection to them,

He gave them greater physical strength

so that they could use that strength

to protect and guard and defend and honor this fellow heir of the grace of life.

And with this one statement

that was forevermore etched into the Christian message

Peter was drawing a line for all cultures, all times, all marriages in the family of God,

a line that states simply, clearly, without exception -

no Christian husband will ever use his physical strength

to control or dominate or intimidate or abuse his wife.

Such a thing is never acceptable for the child of God.

I must admit that I came into my position as a pastor

pretty naive in this whole area.

And many years ago

I was in a conversation with a Christian man whose marriage was disintegrating.

And in the course of that conversation

he made a statement that, when I heard it, made me feel sick inside.

He said, “Now come on, Larry, are you going to tell me that you don’t have to knock your wife around occasionally?”

I had no idea what to say in response.

But when Peter says, You husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life,

his message is clear, simple, and direct.

He’s saying, “Men, understand this - God has given you greater physical strength

not so that you can dominate the woman,

but so that you can protect and guard her.”

And then, to punctuate the importance of this line that he is forever drawing between male and female,

he does something that, to my knowledge,

is never done anywhere else in Scripture.

He offers a warning of what will happen

if this line is crossed.

He says do not ever cross this line so that your prayers may not be hindered.

And if you’re hoping I can explain that,

I’m probably going to disappoint you,

but I’ll tell you what I hear him saying.

I hear him saying

that if a man ever convinces himself

that it is acceptable behavior

to use his physical strength to control or dominate a woman

he has lost his ability to correctly know and follow the voice of God in his life.

His personal communication with God

will become so corrupted and confused

that his spirit will not recognize or respond to voice of God’s Spirit within him.

It is not an irreversible condition,

but it is a very serious one indeed,

and one that requires a major healing work in the man’s life.

And then, after offering such a strong warning about the tragic results of doing it wrong,

he offers a wonderful affirmation

of how to do it right.

He tells those of us who are husbands

that what we are suppose to do

is to grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life.

And here again,

this one requires us

to back off from our own insecurities enough

so that we can see and trust and respond to the Spirit of God in our mate.

I can say it a whole lot more simply, men.

It means we are to listen to them.

And not just to listen to them,

but to honor them for what they truly are - the clearest human channel for the voice of God in our life that we will ever have.

And I’ll tell you right now, husbands,

that God delights in setting us up on this one.

In fact, I would go so far as to say

that God has designed the husband -wife relationship

in such a way that the wife is the husband’s doorway

into the correct understanding of personal leadership of the Spirit of God in his life.

After 33 years of marriage

this has become so much a part of my own life now

that I rarely even think about it consciously.

With every significant decision I make in life

I first want to know

how Sandee responds to what I’m thinking.

And I’m not just talking about family matters,

I’m talking about everything from financial decisions,

to career decisions,

to my people-involvement,

and where and how I invest my time.

And the key here

is our doing that one thing that we so often find it so hard to do -

we need to listen.

We need to listen not just to the ideas,

but to our wife’s true heart attitude

because so often I have found

that God will tell Sandee things that I desperately need to hear,

and I can only hear them

if I’m willing to trust His voice through her.

And so Peter gives his critical communication

both to the wives and to the husbands within the family of God.