©2005 Larry Huntsperger Peninsula Bible Fellowship

05-15-05

Parenting Perspectives Pt. 2

5/15/05 Parenting Perspectives Pt. 2

I started something last week

that I did not have time to finish,

so we are going to return to it again this morning.

If you were here

you will remember

that I began to offer you

what I described as the most valuable parenting truths I’ve ever discovered.

By the very nature of the talk

what I have for you

will come across as a rather unorganized collection of random thoughts,

but I assure you that I have found them all to be

both practical

and extremely valuable in my own life.

We only looked at one of them last week,

but it was the one that I have placed at the top of my list,

the one from which all the others flow,

the one that, if it is not in place in our lives,

nothing else can ever compensate for.

In a single statement it is this -

if God has chosen to entrust children into our care,

with the one exception of our relationship to our marriage partner,

those children

must be consciously recognized as the highest calling given to us by our God,

as our greatest personal opportunity to accomplish true, lasting good in our world,

and as our greatest source of fulfillment and satisfaction in life.

And even as I share that with you again this morning,

I realize that I really should have backed up one additional step

before giving you that principle last week.

I should have backed up just enough

to raise the question

of what it is we are really here on this earth to accomplish.

And let me assure you that

that is not some sort of abstract philosophical question

for which there is no hope of finding any clear answer.

My own personal answer to that question

is not complicated at all.

It’s not easy,

but neither is it complicated.

In the broadest sense

our purpose here is to discover the true nature of the love of our God for us,

and then to make it as easy as possible

for others to make that same discovery.

But in practical terms,

I believe we accomplish that most of all

by allowing our God to lead us through that process of healing

that can free us

from the power our own sins,

or the power the sins of others against us have had over us,

and then to do everything we can

to contribute to that healing process in others.

Remember God’s design for the life He lives out through His body here on this earth.

It is not a plan in which a few special people touch thousands of lives,

and the rest of us just sit on the sidelines and cheer.

It is a plan in which each of us touch just a few lives,

the lives God has specially designed us to touch.

It is a plan that is perfectly matched to what each of us can handle in life,

and a plan that, as it is lived out through us,

brings us the deepest sense of purpose and fulfillment we can ever know.

And for most of us

those few He gives us are nearly always

the ones within our own family structure.

That is at the heart

of His whole design for the family.

That’s what He’s doing -

giving us access to a few people

at a deeper level,

over a more extended period of time

than we will ever experience anywhere else in our life experience.

And there is no one within that life framework

that we will ever have greater access to - mentally, emotionally, physically -

than our children.

God has designed into the nature of the child

an unquestioned trust in the adults in his or her life,

and especially in dad and mom.

In fact...and this is a little bit off the subject,

but everything is off the subject today so it doesn’t matter...

there are some statements made by Christ

that have lead me to believe

that, even though it is certainly true

that everyone of us enters this world with hearts in rebellion against God,

I believe that every child also enters this world

with a fundamental absolute trust in God at the spirit level,

what I believe is, in effect, a God-given saving faith.

Listen to these words spoken by Christ.

MAT 18:1-6 At that time the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?" And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, and said, "Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me; but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck, and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea.

I know we typically read that passage

and think of those nice pictures

with the children all standing next to Jesus

and we feel warm and cozy when we think of it,

but if we listen carefully

to what Jesus is saying

His words contains some truly amazing information.

First of all,

He tells us that our goal as adults in our relationship with Christ

is to choose to reenter with Him

what we all possessed in childhood

but then lost as we moved into our adult years.

...unless you are converted and become like children, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven...

He doesn’t suggest that every child in the world has made a conscious profession of faith in Christ,

He seems to be saying

that trust in God is inherent within every child at birth.

And He reinforces this

when he says, “...whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble...”.

He describes children as being “little ones who believe in Me”.

And here again He is not suggesting that all children have chosen faith,

but rather He seems to be suggesting that all children enter this world possessing a natural heart of faith,

a heart of trust in their Creator.

And then He goes on to offer

what is one of the strongest words of condemnation He ever spoke

against those who consciously tamper with that God-trust within a child.

“...but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it is better for him that a heavy millstone be hung around his neck, and that he be drowned in the depth of the sea.”

It is so interesting - the games we play as adults.

Have you ever heard an adult say,

“Oh, I believed in God when I was a child,

but when I grew up I let go of all that stuff.”

And then they’ll sometimes tack on,

“...along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny...”

And the strong implication of their words

is that adulthood brings with it

a correct knowledge of life

and an ability to reason accurately

in a way that then makes God-faith absurd.

We actually believe that we have taken a step forward.

But the truth is

when we loose that inborn childhood faith

we suffer a loss of truly eternal significance,

a loss that we each must consciously fight our way back into

in order to regain what we once possessed.

Twice within this past week

I have been e-mailed questions

about what happens to children when they die in childhood.

I believe the answer to that question

is found in those words of Christ “... little ones who believe in Me...”.

Along with the sin nature,

we all enter this world

with a childhood redemptive faith within our spirits.

And as we enter our adult years

we each go through a process in which

either we choose to set aside that childhood faith

or we choose to confirm it as adults and build upon it.

If we choose to set it aside,

God then continues His redemptive call to us throughout our adult years.

And, for those of us who hear that call and respond,

I think there is a part of us that recognizes

that we are not so much moving forward to something new,

but rather we are returning to something we once possessed and then lost long ago.

And as long as I’m running wild this morning,

I think I’ll run down one more little trail

before I bring us back to my parenting comments

because this trail does have a direct bearing

on what I see as our greatest calling in the lives of the children entrusted into our care.

And here once again,

let me keep this in the correct context.

Perhaps the most destructive life misconception we ever face

is the belief that our relationship to God

is simply one of many aspects of our life,

all of which are of roughly equal importance.

I run a credibility risk in saying this

because I’m a preacher

and you just naturally assume this is the type of thing a preacher would say,

but the truth is

that our relationship with our Creator

is the central issue of our existence,

the issue through which all other aspects of our lives

will be defined and understood.

We are created by God.

We are created by Him for friendship with Him.

This entire life system in which we live has been created by Him

so that we could each have the opportunity

to discover the true nature of His personal love for us

and then to respond to that love in a way that allows us to enter into an eternal Father/child love union with Him.

And right now, on this earth,

there are forces warring against our Creator,

forces that are determined to prevent our discovery of His love at any cost.

Now, I mention all of this in the context of my comments about parenting

because I believe that much of that warfare,

in fact the great bulk of it takes place in our lives

during the childhood years.

And just as God has placed within each child

a basic faith response to Him,

so Satan’s strategy is to bombard us during childhood

with his “proofs” that God cannot be trusted.

In effect

he attempts to wound our childhood spirits

with wounds of such a nature

as to make it much more difficult for us to reach out in faith to God in our adult years.

And the question is not,

“Who has been wounded

and who has not?”,

because the truth is

we have all been wounded in childhood.

Some of us were wounded

by being given the message

that “love” and acceptance are things we are given

in exchange for a certain level of performance,

and of course

it was always a level of performance

that we could never seem to achieve.

And once that message was recorded within us in childhood

it now replays itself in our minds with absolute authority

over and over again in our relationship with God as adults.

Some of us were wounded

by an adult in our life

who used us for their own pleasure or their own gain or their own ego goals.

Such wounds may have come through something as socially acceptable

as a parent driving a child to “succeed” so that the parent can then feel good about themselves,

or through something as hideous and blatantly evil as physical or sexual abuse.

But once that wound is inflicted in childhood

we then transfer it right over to our relationship to God in our adult years,

and we see this God of ours

as always having His own hidden agenda

and we know there is no way He can ever really be trusted.

Some of us were wounded

through our receiving messages that said, “You never do it right”,

or “I can never trust you”,

or “you’re so ugly”,

or “you’re so stupid’,

or “you should have been a girl”,

or “you should have been a boy”,

or “you should never have been born”.

And now, as adults,

those authority messages that came to us as children

are, in our minds, transferred over to the great Authority - God,

and our God seems so distant,

and so unpleasant,

and so continually displeased with us.

Or we may respond by find ourselves driven to prove ourselves to the world,

driven to prove, at any cost, that we do have value.

But somehow, no matter how much we do,

it’s never enough to bring us peace with ourselves,

or an awareness of peace with our God.

Some of us were wounded

by a parent who simply abandoned us,

walked out of our lives either physically or emotionally.

And, as children, we very likely assumed that it was our fault,

that they left because we were so unlovable,

so unworthy of their faithfulness to us.

And now, as adults,

we anticipate the same abandonment from our God

for exactly the same reasons.

Some of us were wounded

through adults who created within us

tremendous fears of forces in this world over which we have no control,

forces that we were told have the power to destroy our lives.

They may have done this indirectly

through they themselves always living before us

a life lived in fear.

Or they may have done it directly

by giving us well intended messages

that were misunderstood in our childhood minds.

I was talking with a teenager recently and asked him if he’d ever gone camping.

He said yes, once,

but his response made it obvious

that he had little interest in ever going again.

I asked him to tell me about his one camping experience.

He was 11 years old at the time,

and just before he and his uncle left

his mom had said, “Watch out for bears - they hide in the grass and spring up when your not expecting it.”

He spent the next three days in terror

as his 11 year old mind imagined bears everywhere,

hiding under a blanket of grass,

waiting until he passed by so that they could spring up and eat him.

And even though we can logically move beyond such lies in adulthood,

apart from the healing work of Christ within us

we do not move beyond them emotionally,

and we bring with us into our adult years

the emotional certainty

that there are things in this world over which our God has no control,

things that have the power to destroy us,

things that are, indeed, worthy of our deepest fears.

And my point here with all of this

is simply to point out

that those wounds that are inflicted during our childhood years

are the ones that create the stage and the mental characters

upon which we then play out our entire adult life.

Which brings me back to my parenting principles.

And, the second,

and really the only other one I would share with you now

is the value of thinking in terms of the true nature of the warfare

that is being waged in the lives of our children,

and then understanding our role

in defeating the attacks.

And if that sounds rather vague and confusing,

let me simplify it.

The goal I would suggest

is to keep alert to the type of wounds Satan is attempting to inflict on your child,

wounds that are intended to make it much more difficult

for your child to reach out in faith to God in his or her adult years,

and then, where you see them,

do all you can with your actions and with your words

to counter them with the truth.

And yes, I know that still sounds rather confusing,

and vague,

and, as such, utterly impossible to do.

So, in practical terms,

let me explain how I think we can best accomplish that.

And the first step in the process

is the one where I fear many of you will simply cease to hear me.

But I do not believe it is possible

for us to accomplish what we want to accomplish in our children’s lives

unless we first enter their world without condemnation,

and then communicate love to them in a way they can receive it.

And I think I may have lost some of you with that first phrase - enter their world.

I’ll tell you honestly

I wish so much that I knew how to teach this,

but the truth is I really don’t.

I just know it must be done,

and I know, too,

that if God has placed a child within your care,

He can show you how to do it.

There are some simple tools that provide a starting place.

When you talk with a child,

whenever possible do so at eye level,

which means you drop down to their level,

unless you want to just stand there for 10 years

until they’ve grown up to your height.

And touch them.

Appropriate touch from an adult

creates both trust and security.

It is tragic yet all too common in our society

that many children grow up in an environment

in which they are rarely touched except in discipline.

Beyond that,

listen to them - really listen to them.

With some children that’s easy -

if you give them just a tiny open door

they’ll tell you everything going on in their minds.

But with many others

you simply must block off the time for them alone,

and find some activity they enjoy doing,

and then share it with them,

and then listen closely to what they say.

And what you’re listening for most of all

are those wounds Satan has inflicted on them,

wounds that, if not corrected with the truth,

will become a major plank in that stage on which they will live out their adult years.

“My teacher thinks I’m stupid.”

“I always mess things up.”

“Am I really ugly?”

Those aren’t very good examples

because usually the wounds are not so obvious,

but the key is knowing that they are there

because that is the battle we are born into.

And even if we can’t see them,

we can do much to counter them

by feeding our children the real truth about themselves -

about God’s perfect design of them,

and about the depth of His love for them.

And we do that in a child’s life most of all

not by telling them those things about God,

but by modeling those truths for them through our own relationship with them -

by doing for them

the same thing God does for us,

through entering their world on their level, without condemnation,

by finding out who they really are,

and then loving them on that basis alone.

And if some of that still comes across

as just vague platitudes,

let me back off

and simply state the goal.

When we work with children

I believe that our chief goal

is to protect them against those wounds

that Satan will be seeking to inflict upon them

in an attempt to destroy their basic trust in God.

And we accomplish that most of all

by defeating those wounds whenever we discover them

through demonstrating to them the truth

through our own love for them,

and affirmation of their eternal value as God’s unique creations.

And at those times when we ourselves are the source of the wound,

as soon as we recognize what we’ve done,

tell them we know what we did was wrong,

and ask then their forgiveness.