Three Pillars of Parenting
Peninsula Bible FellowshipNate Davis
October 7, 2012
Good morning, friends and family. It is a privilege to step in to cover for Larry for a week, and not only because he is my uncle and one of my mentors. It is also because this is my high school home church. Back in the 1980s, when we met in a home and then Soldotna Junior High and finally in the Borough Assembly Hall I was blessed to grow up with many of you and to have many of you invest into my young life. Now, for the last 30 years, because of our many family connections, Sherri and the kids and I have been blessed to continue our fellowship with you several times a year when we are visiting from Anchorage. Though I do not know all of you, I do recognize most of your faces and have enjoyed worshiping with you. Others of you that I used to know, just look about 30 years older.
A brief catch-up on my life since high school shows that I married my Cook Inlet Academy high school sweetheart, Sherri Jensen, and God blessed us with four wonderful children: Katrina (who married Jordan Weber), Caleb (who married Danis Henderson and both attend Cedarville University), BethAnne (now attending and running cross-country for Union University in Jackson, TN), and Jodi (who attends and competes for Grace Christian School in Anchorage and is lonely living at home alone… with only mom and dad).
After working for Dad in radio, Mike Tauriainen in civil engineering, and commercial fishing with the Hurlburts, Crapuchettes, Wetzels, and Wilders during high school and college, God called me to education while I was studying at LeTourneau College—now University. Sherri and I came back to Alaska and I completed a degree in Education and another in Math from UAA, and later a Master’s degree in Educational Leadership from Seattle Pacific University.
God first allowed me to invest in children teaching and coaching at SOHI, Cook Inlet Academy, Naknek, and then Seward. Finally, our CIA teachers and mentors, Don and Jan Stump, had their way when God led us to join them in ministry at Grace Christian School sixteen years ago, where I am now an Associate Pastor and Superintendent. Greetings from Anchorage Grace Church and Grace Christian School.
I share this quick history to both demonstrate how God is working all around us all the time through His people—thank you to all who have invested in me… and also to introduce our topic this morning: training up children in the instruction and discipline of the Lord—my lifelong calling and passion.
Perhaps someday I can share a treatise on Christian education, but this morning I want to share with you what God has been teaching me these last 30 years about Christian parenting.
It all started when I was a child watching my own parents and my friends’ parents as they practiced parenting. I remember often thinking, “I want to be that kind of parent,” or sometimes, “I cannot believe what I just saw that mom do… I hope I never do that to my kids.”
Then as a young parent in my early twenties experimenting on my own children with what I thought was right… sorry kids. I watched my friends start parenting and was inspired and horrified at different times by what I observed. I remember all the time trying to anchor my own parenting philosophy in the Bible and a biblical worldview, but coming to realize on the one hand that the Bible was not real specific toward “this particular issue that’s driving me crazy with my child” and on the other hand how fast life was happening and how different each child was and how many issues can come up in one day and how many parenting philosophies were out there even among Christian parents, pastors, and philosophers.
At the same time I KNEW that Christ lived in me and was completing His work in me… including His parenting work in me. This gave me my only peace on some days. But it demonstrates the conundrum as well. Should I do nothing intentional and just let the Spirit lead me at the moment? Or should I set up patterns and routines and depend on prescriptions and to-do lists to train up my child?
Have you ever struggled with this? Haven’t we all struggled with these issues for children? Before I lose our grandparents or teenagers or anyone else this morning who does not have children in the home, let me emphasize that I firmly believe it is the job of the whole church—the whole community of believers to train up this next generation in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. As it was done to me, each of you can invest in the young lives around you. Which young people are most precious to you? Ask God how and when you can invest in their lives?
For about 30 years I have been involved in education… I never made it out of high school. I’ve been trying to train up kids to be leaders in their generation. I’ve worked with and watched thousands of parents, Christian and non-Christian, and watched them struggle with their version of parenting. And because I work at the high school setting with 14-18 year olds I see the early fruit of different parenting styles. And you see them, too, don’t you?
We evaluate families and draw conclusions, don’t we? We see a fairly healthy Christian family following generally accepted parenting principles and pumping out fairly healthy children. Or we see a fairly dysfunctional family following what we would call generally disapproved parenting principles and training up fairly unhealthy children… and we think we pretty much have it figured out… but then an anomaly! One of the children of the fairly healthy family using generally accepted parenting principles becomes a rebel and rejects the faith of his parents. And then, another anomaly: one of the children from the fairly dysfunctional family becomes a beautiful Christian wife and mother who embraces faith in Jesus Christ, is early mature, and even outpaces all the children around her who received better parenting for decades.
What is going on here? After a few decades of observing parenting and its results, we are often more confused in our older age than we were in our younger age.
And what is the best philosophy we can actually pass on to our younger friends who are just beginning their parenting days? If only God would have given us some clues.
Oh, but He did. This morning I would like to combine two recurring themes throughout the Bible. The first are the pointed commands to train our children in the ways of the Lord. The second is God’s fascination with His own creative order in farming. When we look at parenting through the eyes of a farmer, we can have a divine revelation into both a task to complete and a rest to enjoy!
Let’s look first at God’s instructions to parents and churches in training up children. Here are just a few and you probably know them well.
1. “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Prov 2:6)
2. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. And you shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deut 6:5-9)
3. “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph 6:4)
4. “A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.” (Luke 6:40)
So, we see through these few verses and many more that there is a strong call to complete the task of training. There is a job God wants us to do.
Now, let’s look at how God often describes Christian life and growth through farming analogies, beginning with the fruit of the Spirit—it’s what we desire in our children more than anything else, because it means not only that Christ has made them into a new creature and lives in them, but that He is also producing His fruit from His vine.
1. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal 5:22,23).
How can we get our children to produce this kind of fruit? We can’t.
2. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in Me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). Plugged into the vine? You will produce fruit. Fruit happens. Unattached to the vine? You can never produce fruit.
3. Paul said, “I planted, Apollos watered [the task to complete], but God gave the growth [the rest to enjoy]” (I Corinthians 3:6).
We can rest in the fact that we are not responsible for the fruit of our children. However, we are responsible for the wonderful task of training our children. We just have to daily realize that we cannot produce life and we cannot produce fruit… and we shouldn’t try. That is God’s job alone.
I could have chosen any produce, but since I love strawberries, I call this concept The Mysteries of the Strawberry. To get the best strawberries, the farmer ought to be cultivating the soil, providing optimum water and sunlight, clipping and re-directing the runners, fertilizing the soil, and weeding the garden. But, the farmer has nothing to do with the actual life of the plant itself, the coming on of the blossoms, or even the timing of the ripening berries. He simply watches what God is doing and eventually enjoys the fruit that God produced… and an experienced farmer doesn’t even get impatient when berries are slow to ripen.
So it is with training the children around you. As adults, we should be cultivating young hearts, providing optimum Scripture and Sonlight, clipping and re-directing influences, praising and correcting behavior, and battling deception… but resting in God for the results. So, this morning, let’s take a look from the Word at three pillars of parenting.
So, to follow the analogy, how do we first cultivate hearts?
We cultivate hearts through prayer. I believe the most important task of a parent or grandparent is to pray that God will soften the hearts and open the eyes of their precious children. How many times have you been at odds with someone, having no place to turn, no argument that will convince, no leg to stand on, nothing left to do or say? All you could do was pray. So you prayed and got to watch God do a work in both your heart and theirs to bring about a miraculous reconciliation. In the same way, we break up the fallow or bitter ground of children through prayer, so that God will bring about a harvest. Listen to God talk about prayer:
“Now [Jesus] was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and to not lose heart” (Luke 18:1).
“Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me” (Ps 50:15).
“Pray without ceasing” (I Thess 5:17).
“With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit” (Eph 6:18).
“Devote yourselves to prayer, keeping alert in it with thanksgiving” (Col 4:2).
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything with prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6,7).
Parents, here is a great mystery: God desires to save your children and capture their hearts to Himself, but he wants to do it through your prayers.
Why? “Because there is one thing God loves to do more than bless the world. He loves to bless the world in answer to prayer.” (John Piper). Think of the children most precious to you. Who is cultivating their hearts with prayer? Can you take a turn at the plow? Grab the roto-tiller and churn up some ground.
Prayer breaks up the ground—cultivates—the heart. God told His child, Israel, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh” (Ez 36:26). “Neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth” ( I Cor 3:7).
First Strawberry Pillar: Embrace Prayer as the primary tool for cultivating your child’s heart.
What if we prayed as much as we worried?
“Lord, teach us to pray (Luke 11:1) and please give our children broken and big hearts for the Father.”
In addition to cultivated and fertile soil, we know that plants also need water, but how do we water a child’s heart? If cultivation is to earth as prayer is to a heart, what can water be likened unto?
My vote is God’s Word. The prophet Isaiah convinced me with these words:
“As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is My word that goes out from My mouth: My Word will not return to Me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.” (Is 55: 10, 11)
“But his delight is in the law [the words] of the Lord, and on His law he meditates day and night. And he will be like a [strawberry plant] firmly planted by streams of water, which yields its [berry] in its season, and its leaf does not wither; and in whatever he does, he prospers.” (Ps 1:2, 3)
Parents, this is the great mystery: At the height of mankind’s incredible innovations in the twenty-first century, it is still impossible for children to bear good fruit without the ancient Words of God.
“Training up a child in the way he should go” means that first and foremost he must be trained in the very Words of God. Scripture reading, memory, and meditation… this is the Living Water that can give life to our kids. There are no substitutes. There are no shortcuts.
Does your child “long for the pure milk of the Word?” (I Pet 2:2) A strawberry plant must have water to produce berries. A human must have God’s Word to produce any good fruit that will last and be tasty to God.
Let us embrace this 2nd Great Pillar of Parenting:
Second Strawberry Pillar: Teach children in such a way that when they are grown they will love the ancient Words of Life.
Parents, your children are always in danger of thirsting to death! “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph 6:4) Give them a strong daily dose of Living Water. Make it worth having a garden. “And these words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart; and you shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.” (Deut 6:6, 7)
How can you make the Words of God tasty to your children and grandchildren and your neighbor’s children? Pray and consider. Trust and obey.
In addition to soil and water, what else does a healthy plant need? Yes… sunlight. Photosynthesis is God’s miracle of life—His gift to the Earth… the gift that keeps on giving whether a farmer understands the science behind it or not.
“And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, so must the Son of Man be lifted up, that whoever believes in [the Son] may have eternal life” (Jn 3:14,15). It’s a miracle, isn’t it? Let us lift up the Son in everything we do, say, and think. Let us expose our children every waking hour to the Sonlight that can give life to everyone.
The Son’s rays look like this:
Ø I am the way, the truth, and the life (Jn 14:6)
Ø I am the bread of life (Jn 6:35)
Ø I am the living water (Jn 4:14)
Ø I am the light of the world (Jn 8:12)
Ø I came that they might have life and might have it abundantly (Jn 10:10)
Parents, this is the great mystery: You have the 100% duty and responsibility to train your children in the instruction and discipline of the Lord but only 0% control of the outcome.
You simply are out of control. Only the Son can give life to your children. The Son said, “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last” (Jn 15:16).
The Son alone holds the miraculous recipe for life. Sunlight contacting the green leaf initiates a chemical reaction that gives life to the plant—with zero help from a farmer. Likewise, the Son contacts the child’s heart and initiates a spiritual reaction that gives life to your child—with zero help from the parents. We can’t “kind of” create life. No Son—no life… know Son—know life.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life” (Jn 3:16).
Third Strawberry Pillar: Embrace the fact that only the Son can give life to your child.
By embracing this principle, you will find both great dependence and great peace. You will find yourself totally out of control—exactly where you ought to be. You can control how much you pray for your children. You can control how tasty you make the Words of Life to them. But, you are out of control when it comes to life. You cannot make your children believe in the Son.
But “this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him, may have eternal life; and I Myself will raise him up on the last day” (Jn 6:40). Yeehaw!
It’s a miracle, isn’t it? A miracle for which to pray!
In closing, just let me say that I expect this message has stirred some emotions for some. Some of you are even more grateful and thrilled than ever that your children are loving the Lord. But others of us are even more saddened or guilty whenever we consider our favorite children who have gone astray… or sheep who are not yet in the fold of Christ.
What shall we do? No matter what their age or station in life… never give up! Keep cultivating their hearts through prayer. Keep watering their roots with the Living Water of God’s Word. Keep Sonning them with the love of Jesus Christ. Perhaps God will still whisper their name and bring them to life!
And for every parent who is feeling guilty for opportunities missed in training children… probably each one of us… “fix your hope completely on the grace to be revealed at the revelation of Jesus Christ” (I Peter 1:13)… grace for yourself and grace for your wandering child.
Rest in this. God will save whom He will save. He even has wild strawberries all over Earth who came from wild, sinful, atheistic homes. It didn’t depend on you, anyway. He is sovereign and can do whatever He wants with your child. He loves your child more than you do. He desires all to come to repentance, though not all will. But they might. Beseech the Lord of the Harvest and rest in His love. Only God can give life.
Let’s pray and say with the Apostle John, “I have no greater joy than to see my children walking in truth” (3 John 1:4).